jo_graham (![[info]](http://p-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small} jo_graham) wrote,@ 2008-05-11 08:17:00 |
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Why Don't Gull and Xandros Get Married?
A reader asks, "Why don't Gull and Xandros just get married?"
Because she will not break her oaths for him. In that sense, Ashterah loves Xandros more than she does, because Ashterah is willing to put him first.
Gull is never willing to put anything ahead of her oaths to the Lady of the Dead.
Modern American society privileges the romantic relationship between spouses above any other kind of relationship. It's the most important relationship there is, practically speaking as well as emotionally. Can't put your elderly father who lives with you on your health insurance? Wouldn't be a problem if he were your husband. Can't put your step child who you've raised for ten years on your health insurance? Said step child certainly can't make medical decisions for you if you need it.
A few years ago I worked with a fifty something guy I'll call Tony. Twenty years before, Tony had married a divorced woman who had two young sons, age five and seven when they were married. Her ex husband had moved to the west coast, paid his child support, and took the boys for two weeks each summer. Otherwise, he wasn't a presence in their lives at all. Tony was Dad, the one who went to their high school basketball games, taught them to drive, and ushered them through learning how to be men. Twenty years later, Tony and his wife were in a very bad car accident and were both rushed to the emergency room in grave danger. The boys were immediately called, now ages twenty five and twenty seven, and hurried to the hospital. They made critical medical decisions for their mother. But no one could make them for Tony. The boys weren't his, you see. His wife was unconscious and not capable of making decisions, and in the eyes of the law the boys that Tony had raised were total strangers. He had never adopted them, you see, because they did still have some relationship with their father, and for him to do that their father would have had to terminate parental rights. Tony did recover from the accident, and gave the boys power of attorney thereafter, but was shocked to find out that the only person who could as a matter of course make medical decisions was his spouse.
In our society, we pin everything on the spousal relationship. Who's the only person you can file a joint tax return with? If, for example, an elderly brother and sister live together, they can't be a household.
Most societies in the history of the world have not put the spousal relationship above everything else, or expected that people consider their spouse's wishes to be more important than anything else.
A medieval knight would laugh at the idea that his wife's wishes would be more important than his oaths to his liege lord. Indeed, many modern military families feel the strain of conflict between oaths to serve and the wishes of a spouse. Ministers of any faith have the conflict of the call to service and the wishes of a spouse. And many, many people have conflicts between children of a previous relationship and a spouse, between family and a spouse, between job and spouse, etc.
Our society says that the spouse is always supposed to win. Because your True Love is more important than anything else, including vocation.
Gull has a vocation, a calling. She is the voice of the Lady of the Dead. She's a minister, a priest. And her vocation comes first, before any other relationships. When she tells Xandros their first night together, "I would not break my oaths for you," she is absolutely telling the truth. There are things that are more important to her than this relationship. That's how it is.
Xandros is ok with that. He also has oaths that supercede this relationship. He is Neas' sworn man.
Gull never doubts, in Egypt, that Xandros will go with Neas even if she asked him to stay. And that he should. She would not ask him to break his oaths, any more than he would ask her to. That's part of what works so well between them. They genuinely respect each others' vocations and accept what's important to each other. It's the bedrock of their relationship.
The strength of it is the idea that the spousal relationship doesn't have to be the most important thing in someone's life, and that a different arrangement of priorities is possible. For us, in our society, that may take getting our heads around.
A reader asks, "Why don't Gull and Xandros just get married?"
Because she will not break her oaths for him. In that sense, Ashterah loves Xandros more than she does, because Ashterah is willing to put him first.
Gull is never willing to put anything ahead of her oaths to the Lady of the Dead.
Modern American society privileges the romantic relationship between spouses above any other kind of relationship. It's the most important relationship there is, practically speaking as well as emotionally. Can't put your elderly father who lives with you on your health insurance? Wouldn't be a problem if he were your husband. Can't put your step child who you've raised for ten years on your health insurance? Said step child certainly can't make medical decisions for you if you need it.
A few years ago I worked with a fifty something guy I'll call Tony. Twenty years before, Tony had married a divorced woman who had two young sons, age five and seven when they were married. Her ex husband had moved to the west coast, paid his child support, and took the boys for two weeks each summer. Otherwise, he wasn't a presence in their lives at all. Tony was Dad, the one who went to their high school basketball games, taught them to drive, and ushered them through learning how to be men. Twenty years later, Tony and his wife were in a very bad car accident and were both rushed to the emergency room in grave danger. The boys were immediately called, now ages twenty five and twenty seven, and hurried to the hospital. They made critical medical decisions for their mother. But no one could make them for Tony. The boys weren't his, you see. His wife was unconscious and not capable of making decisions, and in the eyes of the law the boys that Tony had raised were total strangers. He had never adopted them, you see, because they did still have some relationship with their father, and for him to do that their father would have had to terminate parental rights. Tony did recover from the accident, and gave the boys power of attorney thereafter, but was shocked to find out that the only person who could as a matter of course make medical decisions was his spouse.
In our society, we pin everything on the spousal relationship. Who's the only person you can file a joint tax return with? If, for example, an elderly brother and sister live together, they can't be a household.
Most societies in the history of the world have not put the spousal relationship above everything else, or expected that people consider their spouse's wishes to be more important than anything else.
A medieval knight would laugh at the idea that his wife's wishes would be more important than his oaths to his liege lord. Indeed, many modern military families feel the strain of conflict between oaths to serve and the wishes of a spouse. Ministers of any faith have the conflict of the call to service and the wishes of a spouse. And many, many people have conflicts between children of a previous relationship and a spouse, between family and a spouse, between job and spouse, etc.
Our society says that the spouse is always supposed to win. Because your True Love is more important than anything else, including vocation.
Gull has a vocation, a calling. She is the voice of the Lady of the Dead. She's a minister, a priest. And her vocation comes first, before any other relationships. When she tells Xandros their first night together, "I would not break my oaths for you," she is absolutely telling the truth. There are things that are more important to her than this relationship. That's how it is.
Xandros is ok with that. He also has oaths that supercede this relationship. He is Neas' sworn man.
Gull never doubts, in Egypt, that Xandros will go with Neas even if she asked him to stay. And that he should. She would not ask him to break his oaths, any more than he would ask her to. That's part of what works so well between them. They genuinely respect each others' vocations and accept what's important to each other. It's the bedrock of their relationship.
The strength of it is the idea that the spousal relationship doesn't have to be the most important thing in someone's life, and that a different arrangement of priorities is possible. For us, in our society, that may take getting our heads around.
